Bizarre argument by proxy
Just had a fight thru my mom with my dad. Need to separate two issues - his rightness/wrongness & his feelings/attitude. Could be he's right about some things. I'm OK with that. Real issue is how he feels about me. Doesn't believe in me. Never has. Doesn't trust me. Sees only the negative.
Doesn't believe in me. That's the real issue. The lifetime issue. Could it be my karmic lot to cope with male authority figures who have little or no faith in me, who I am? There's no benefit of the doubt with this person. What he sees is what is, even if he only sees me for 15 minutes over 24 hours, he takes what he gets from that time, ignoring the possibility that things might be different during the rest.
Facing him causes pain. I have done this to myself. The others got out, got away, before too much more damage could be done. Here I still am. Why?
Does asking why even matter now? Probably not. What matters is getting back on track. I need to do what I want to be doing. I need to close him out completely, close everything out, ... mom, dad, brother, sister, coworkers, soon-to-be ex-boss, friends, TV, movies... block everything out and figure out what I want. What *I* want. What I need. What I'm supposed to be doing, and where, and with whom, and why.
The right job, the right place, the right people... They're all out there for me, somewhere. I just have to find them. I have to stop seeking his approval, because I'm not going to get it. I have to stop trying to make him understand me, because that's not going to happen. No amount of talk and logic on my part is going to change him, or his ideas. I HAVE GOT TO START LIVING FOR ME. Stop hiding who I am.
It's OK to be myself. In spite of what he's tried to ingrain in me, who I am is not a bad person. I have goodness and flaws, just like every other human being. Sometimes I shine with success, and sometimes I fuck things up. More people like me than not. Most days I do OK.
I've got my share of big problems, I've got my share of things that need fixing. But I also have my share of creativity, intelligence, heart. People see what they choose to see. Many people have chosen to see what's good about me. I wish this one person, this man who has been the most influential person in my life, would make that choice too. How do I cope with the fact that he probably never will?
Doesn't believe in me. That's the real issue. The lifetime issue. Could it be my karmic lot to cope with male authority figures who have little or no faith in me, who I am? There's no benefit of the doubt with this person. What he sees is what is, even if he only sees me for 15 minutes over 24 hours, he takes what he gets from that time, ignoring the possibility that things might be different during the rest.
Facing him causes pain. I have done this to myself. The others got out, got away, before too much more damage could be done. Here I still am. Why?
Does asking why even matter now? Probably not. What matters is getting back on track. I need to do what I want to be doing. I need to close him out completely, close everything out, ... mom, dad, brother, sister, coworkers, soon-to-be ex-boss, friends, TV, movies... block everything out and figure out what I want. What *I* want. What I need. What I'm supposed to be doing, and where, and with whom, and why.
The right job, the right place, the right people... They're all out there for me, somewhere. I just have to find them. I have to stop seeking his approval, because I'm not going to get it. I have to stop trying to make him understand me, because that's not going to happen. No amount of talk and logic on my part is going to change him, or his ideas. I HAVE GOT TO START LIVING FOR ME. Stop hiding who I am.
It's OK to be myself. In spite of what he's tried to ingrain in me, who I am is not a bad person. I have goodness and flaws, just like every other human being. Sometimes I shine with success, and sometimes I fuck things up. More people like me than not. Most days I do OK.
I've got my share of big problems, I've got my share of things that need fixing. But I also have my share of creativity, intelligence, heart. People see what they choose to see. Many people have chosen to see what's good about me. I wish this one person, this man who has been the most influential person in my life, would make that choice too. How do I cope with the fact that he probably never will?
